Darkest before the Dawn

At the time I was grateful for the honesty, but now that I’ve been thinking about it for several days, it really bothers me.  Okay, yes, I was kind of depressed during that time in my life.  Yes, I had written almost daily blogs with detailed emotions that I was trying to work through.  I tend intelectualize my feelings, so for me to be putting it all out there is a huge deal.  I refuse to take responsibility for us not being friends when in all actuality, M, you couldn’t deal with my “emotions and shit.”  I’m in awe of your audacity to call me a crazy woman.  I don’t think you have changed.  In fact, I highly doubt it.

I worked through a lot of my issues about people who claimed to be friends.  I made some terrible choices in those people: to include them in my life. As a result, I had to work through the repercussions those relationships brought with them. I once blogged about going back and a friend asked me, ‘but would you want to go back?’  The answer is no.  I was there. I learned from it and I’ve moved on.

So why does M’s words haunt me?  I’m in a great place in my life, but it was a reminder of probably the darkest time in my life.  And I resent that M disappeared without a word; a so-called friend.  Well as they say, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”

Absolute Relationships

I’ve come to realize there are some of us that only think in terms of absolute relationships: friend, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.  Are the labels the more important than the relationship?  I feel like some of us can never be more than one label, never a combination.  Example: when friendship turns into something more for one person, but not the other.  Person A feels like they can differentiate between friendship and “something more”, but Person B only sees that Person A wants “something more.”  It is this notion that can destroy that closeness that two people once shared.

Ramblings

When I started to college, everyone used AIM to stay in contact, so I signed up for AIM.  I blogged using a site called Xanga and then when I realized my boyfriend and all his friends used LiveJournal, what did I do?  I signed up for a LiveJournal account.  It seems like we are using all these different forms of social media sites these days to stay connected.  I never use AIM anymore, even if you see me online, I’m probably on Skype.  :)  The two features I miss the most about LiveJournal were the “currently listening to: song track title here” and the green and purple smiley stars that I would select to show my mood for the blog.  The smiley stars would reflect my mood with thoughtful assent.  Tonight I feel pensive.

The new moon cycle starts tomorrow, which could be why we’re all feeling a bit off.  Before the new year, I had my first tarot reading and the guy told me that I had a strong connection with the spirit world.  I’ve always been good picking up on the unsaid statement or feeling in the room.  I never gave it a second thought even though it was always happening to me.  Now when I establish a connection with someone, however that connection may be formed, I feel the person’s energy and what they are putting off whether it be anger, frustration, sadness, love, warmth, or a solar flare of emotions.

Relationships are a tricky business at times, especially if any matter of hurt went down between the two of you.  When I say relationships, I do not mean of the purely romantic kind.  Relationship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.  We can only start to trust each other if we let each other inside behind the double-bolted gate, the guard at every door, and let them see what we’re hiding.  This song is how I feel:

Success Defined

What is success?  How do you define being successful?  Is it a personal achievement, a relationship, a career, an award, or simply being true to oneself?

I started thinking about this definition last week when I met an old friend of mine for dinner and some long-needed quality time.  We were discussing the creation of a facebook group dedicated to our ten-year class reunion.  He said to me that he didn’t know if he would go and he said to me, “You, you’ll be fine.  You’re successful.”  I was taken aback by this statement. I think I was more confused and baffled than anything.  My friend said that he was happy, but didn’t consider himself successful.

I posed the question to my facebook friends and they came up with several different answers.  Most of them stated that success equates happiness.  There were also answers of self-improvement, love in one’s life, money, and education.  I was impressed by one friend’s honesty and courage to say that money was an important factor of being successful.  I thought there would be a higher response of success meaning concrete objects rather than a mental state.

On one hand, I believe the answer happiness is the easy-way-out.  The notion that you just have to be happy and you’re successful is a hard pill to swallow for me.  If the perception of happiness involves the fulfillment of one’s life which makes you successful in your endeavors then that’s a little bit more substantial.  I respectfully disagree with some of my facebook friends.  I think that happiness is a subsequent factor of being successful.

I do not necessarily considered myself successful.  My personal view is measured by economic independence, having a good job, serving my community and being the best version of myself.  This involves constant self-improvement, as well as, having good relationships with the people around me.

To my friend, (if you’re reading this:) through my definition of successful, I think you’re well on your way.

Is it possible to go back?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about choices.  There are several events that have led me to be who I am right now.  A couple three certain turning points are what I can account to the biggest moments in my life, where I had to make a choice to go one way or another.  It’s funny how we can be going along without many cares and then a couple big things happen that make you question everything you’ve been doing up to this point.  I don’t mean life or death situations because, let’s be honest, life and death happen every day.  (Life and death only make you appreciate your life more, hopefully.)

There’s this person I know who I talk to here and there.  We used to be great friends and roommates, but then it all changed.  She lost my trust, my friendship, my perception of her being a real person.  Losing that friendship was devastating to me.  I chose to walk away, silently and retain that silence until this past summer.  Apologies aside, I still feel like I’m not quite ready.  It has been three years and I am still not over it.  She’s trying and I’m trying to move forward, but it’s difficult.  While I rid my life of her, my room has been filled of pictures and history of our college life together.  I haven’t gotten rid of anything.  This was the first chronological event to change everything.  (I should mention my three turning points happened right on top of each other. One ended, another immediately began or was happening simultaneously.)

The last time I gave away my heart it was to someone whose deserving nature is questionable.  I’m persistent when I want something, but in a laid-back kind of way.  I learned a lot from him about pretty much everything, which is what kept me interested.  The knowledge he possessed was food for my hungry soul.  It wasn’t a good match, but I never really pushed for anything to happen.  That’s the thing about relationships with people, there is always that other side, how the person views what is happening.  In our case, we were never on the same page, but our connection was intense. I hated him in the end. ‘I was stronger than all that. I didn’t need him, but wished him well.’  Now it’s been one year since we last spoke and I’ve thought of him probably every day since.  Countless blog entries and personal journal entries later and I still think of him.  I know I can never contact him.  Every day I think about writing an email, a text, or phone call, but every day it is more and more inappropriate.

While all this roommate drama and getting to the know the guy that would eventually be but a memory, I was trying to graduate college and figure out my life.  I moved home, away from my friends, away from support groups including my sorority and my church.  I was an avid church go-er, every Sunday night and Wednesday service and meal at the Newman Center.  Now I can’t find the will to go to church.  It’s a touchy subject for me; I don’t talk about it. I don’t pray. I don’t have time for people who want to “save” me from myself and my evil ways.  I used to be so different, so faithful and believing. Now I feel like my eyes have been opened and there’s no going back.  It is really even possible to go back?  To close my eyes and pretend religion isn’t a great big lie?  Karl Marx said, “Religion is the opium of the people.”  Meaning, we all need to believe there is something greater than us to get through our lives including greater purpose or a plan.

I keep telling my parents that ‘it’s easier to be a person alone with faith than practicing with other people.’  I think I tell them that to make them feel better about the loss of my faith.  This is the first time I’ve been honest about this subject.  I don’t know what I believe.  I know that I try to be the best person I can be and live my life trying to help others and give back.  I think Vonnegut called it being a Humanist, that was his ‘religion.’  I’m torn between my former life and my current life.  I’m torn between what I know I “should” be doing like going to church, and my feeling that I’m not sure God is even there.  If he isn’t, what a cruel joke we’re playing on ourselves.

I’ve become an adult in the past three years; friendships and loves found and lost, I’ve grown up.  Navigating through this life and putting myself out there is a daunting task.  I’m sure I’ll figure it all out along the way.

Middle

It’s one of those months where I feel someone psychically calling for me, to me.  The energy is so strong I can almost pinpoint the location; the feeling overtakes me.  I’m starting to get serious about finding a guy.  Life has one beginning and one end and the rest is just middle.  I feel like I need to start filling my middle with a companion.

Lovin’ What’s Good for You

4th of July was packed with fun, fireworks and friends.  We were sitting around drinking beers and having chats on the lawn in the blistering summer heat as only the South can provide to its occupants.  The conversation drifted to a friend who was going on a first date. Our excitement grew for their first rendezvous – the outfit, the plan, advice on what to say or do and then to our thoughts on successful relationships.

“I agree, you have to be happy with yourself.  When you stop looking, it’ll happen.”  So many girls I know want a wedding, not a marriage, a wedding. We all know weddings can be a fantastic party with all your friends and family (and I do love weddings,) but perhaps some of us rush the fun part of getting to know someone.  The falling in love and living in that love before making the forever commitment of marriage.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “If it doesn’t work out, we can always get divorced.”  Okay, call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want to be married several times.  I want to love the same man for rest of my life.

This conversation got me thinking about my own relationships.  I always go for the shy, quiet, mysterious guy and it never works out. Then I sit around contemplating (obsessing) about what could have been done to give us lasting happiness.  My friends have never liked any of the guys I dated, (which should have been a red light.) What’s interesting here is to note that in friendships I gravitate towards positive, outgoing personalities.  Those friends bring out the absolute best in me.  When I talk about them I smile, recount amazing memories and speak with passion.  It’s only taken me six years to become aware of this behavior when it comes to relationships.

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were once only walls.” Make yourself happy.  Decide what you want and attract those characteristics in a partner.  Love what’s good for you.  Resist the temptation of the crowd, but heed the warnings of friends.

The Journey

Tonight’s season finale of Glee makes me want to believe there is love out there.  I’ve come so far in the past 7 months; working on myself and working on my relationships with others, especially people I lost for one reason or another.  It gives me hope.

Looking back over the past few years- how much I’ve changed. Honestly, I never thought I’d be this person six years ago.  (Hey, we all have our flaws.)  I honestly feel at peace for the first time in a long time.  I’ve lived and felt how one person can completely wreck you, change everything, and then leave.  But I feel strong and my head is clear.  It’s really nice.

For some the journey is short.  They have everything figured out and exactly how to achieve their dreams.  I woke up one day and realized that nothing was as it seemed.  Not only that, but everything I thought I had figured out was completely bogus.

People ask me about religion and politics.  I typically dodge these questions due to the nature of these controversial topics.  Let me say this: Whether I subscribe to your religion or your politics, or none of the above, I value people.  There is never a time that doesn’t call for a little more kindness, love, understanding or tolerance.  What makes me sick to my stomach is the condemnation of groups of people because they aren’t like you, or because it goes against your beliefs.  We all struggle in one way or another.  Next time, think about that before the hatred radiates from your lips.

So what about me?  I’m good.  I feel like myself again, but an upgraded version.  :)

Love without restraint.  It’s the only way to live.

One Person Living or Dead

If I could meet one person living or dead it would be Kurt Vonnegut.  He was one of the most influential writers of the 20th century.  The author of several books and essays.  I own about six of his books and I have read two of them, including Cat’s Cradle, Man Without  A Country, and I am in the process of reading Slaughterhouse Five.  His works are dark comedy, satire and science fiction.  He was known for his cynicism and dark humor.  Kurt Vonnegut served in World War II at the Battle of Dresden, which was a massacre for both sides.  In 1968 he wrote Slaughterhouse Five.  Vonnegut said he was finally mature enough to write about the war and the battle of Dresden.  The book is about Billy Pilgrim who is a soldier in Germany and living his life through flashes.  One minute he’s in the war, the next he’s a dentist, the next he’s being abducted by aliens.

My favorite of his books so far though is Cat’s Cradle.  Even on my facebook account, I list Bokononism as my religion, just as my friend, Chris lists “Our lady of Perpetual Astonishment.” In Cat’s Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., created a new religion, Bokononism. The holy scripture of Bokononism was the ever-growing “Books of Bokonon”, written by Bokonon — a British Episcopalian blackman from the island of Tobago whose real name was Lionel Boyd Johnson [ 48 ] — as a way to distract the people of San Lorenzo from their pitiful lives. What is sacred to Bokononists? Not God; just one thing: man. [ 94 ]

Excerpt: ”Verses 2-4 : In the beginning, God created the earth, and he looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness.
And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.” And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud as man alone could speak. God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke. Man blinked. “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.
“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.
“Certainly,” said man.
“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.
And He went away.”

I highly suggest reading it before making any judgements.  It is a very interesting and quick read.  There is a whole other terminology within the book, not only a different religion, but then also a story line.  If you’re looking for something out-of-the ordinary, (and you’re not a crazy bible thumper,) pick this book up.

I thoroughly enjoy his books and his humor.  A Man Without A Country gives some real practice advise of someone who has lived.  Not just seen many years, but actually lived.  If he were alive, I would drive across the country to see him or hear him read and talk about the nights in Dresden.  What he learned from the years he was alive, what he liked the most and what he liked the least.  Amazing writer.

The Romantics

The Romantics is a tragic comedy about the dutiful awkwardness of loving someone when they are betrothed to another.  The is very awkward most of the time, but there is definitely a humor in those cumbersome moments.  It is also very sexy at times- like when Tom is whispering in Laura’s ear the words of a John Keats’ poem with fiery enthusiasm as he presses her against the tree.  And heartbreaking as you, the viewer sees two people so much in love with each other in such a difficult and painstaking way.  It’s pure angst, but joyful at the same time.

I read several reviews about the movie and about Katie Holmes before downloading it from iTunes.  I do not agree with the reviews on iTunes/Rotten Tomatoes.  If there is one thing Katie Holmes does well it’s awkwardness.  I do agree that the music fits perfectly; it’s kind of a 1920′s and modern feel.

There are some very beautiful cinematic effects and shots in the movie, but there are also some things I think could have been improved.  There is one point where the camera is moving so up and down that it is very hard to focus.  It makes you feel like you’re the one shooting.  There is also a few fuzzy shots, where parts of the film have been edited.

The reviews may deter you, but if you do brave to watch it, realize it’s more realistic than a story-book ending.